Second Guessing

What is God trying to tell me?

Right now, I'm living my life as simple as I can, yet still I feel the complexity lurking in the dark. I just want to be a normal, carefree teenager...well, maybe not normal, but carefree at the least.
Only a week more until I finally know if I'm going to stay or go. When school starts, I just want to know where I am, and where I'm going. Everything else will come in time.

But until yesterday, I was sure I knew where I was going. Then, when I came back from my trip, my mother told me that we would be moving within 4 weeks. Alright, fine; whatever. But from there, there could be another pending move for October. The location is what opened my eyes.

I thought I could just leave him. I thought I knew this was the right thing to do, but now I'm second guessing myself again. The location of the pending move is 2 intersections away from him. It's close enough that he has no excuse, and it's close enough for weekly visits. Yet, somehow, I still feel that I'm missing something important.

All of these second guesses are getting me down again even though I've been up almost all summer. The question remains : Should I stay or should I go?
A lot of me wants to just leave, start fresh. But the lurking darkness in my heart is telling me I'm going to regret it.
Who do I believe?
My mind or my heart?

Escape from Reality

I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched again.
Because...none of them DID hatch, they all died.
Well, I guess that's to an extreme. I mean, I still have a job and I still write...kinda.

My job is the biggest distraction to my mind. I have no will to write right now, I'm just zoned into the books taking me away from reality. Re-discovering the library is one of the best and worst things to happen.
Books keep me away from my mind, but at the same time bring me closer to my deepest wants and needs. I guess as a fellow author, I know the pull of a false reality and what it can do for those reading the material.
We're all just trying to get away from our lives.

Anyways. My paycheck is just about used up. Lucky for me, there's another one is a couple days. "Less stress from money" was a lost dream too.
My hopeless dream really is hopeless.

As for him, well, until I move, there is no him. The toll it's taking on my mental and emotional health isn't very good. Constantly being caught between guilt and understanding is one of the most lethal mixes to bestow anyone. They just don't go together.
Well, we'll see where it goes from here.

My thoughts are unfocusing themselves again, and I feel the need to be lost again to a book...s'ashame I already read the ones I got from the library...all 5 of them this week.... -sigh-

Well here's my next dream, what I really want all morphed into one. Maybe this could save me from myself and allow me to escape once more from reality. Just a poem I found... "To Every Guy". It's just one of those corny things you can't help identifying with. The things I wish he would let me know sometimes...just to show he cares...
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To every guy that regrets hurting her.To every guy who knows which girl he wants.To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."To every guy that was never too busy to take the bus across town to see her. To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.To every guy who has given her flowers just because.To every guy that said he would die for her.To every guy that really would.To every guy that did what she wanted to do.To every guy that cried in front of her.To every guy that she cried in front of.To every guy that holds hands with her.To every guy that kisses her with meaning.To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.To every guy who would give their jacket up.To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.To every guy that would give his seat up.To every guy that just wants to cuddle.To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.To every guy who told his secrets to her.To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.To every guy that believed in her dreams.To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.To every guy that walked her to her car.To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.To every guy that actually listened. To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.To every guy that prays she is happy even if your not with her.

Thanks...

My Way

Things are finally going my way.
In one night, a 360 was made of my life.
Suddenly, I'm back in the game; I'm back in control.

My writing is taking a toll on my life in a positive way.
I have a job that is bringing only good things my way.
Even though my friends are moving, we'll stay in touch
We'll go see movies when we can.

A new home - maybe.
A new life - hopefully.
Less stress coming money...
More fun with my friends :)

Maybe a basement to myself?
Some money to top it off too?
Man oh man...
Maybe I'll even get to see him!

I'm probably speaking too soon for all of these events.
Nothing is secured yet.
But it's still amazing
that my hopeless dream came true!

Try and Show Me

Why is it, that I'm so dependent on you?
How is it that you affect me so much more than I realized?
What is it about you that keeps me sane?

Hopeless. That's what I am.
Somehow, without you here, I'm irritable, grumpy, sad, moody...all the bad emotions you can think of. It's almost like, with you there, I can face life- I can live day to day knowing that I can vent all I want to someone without being judged, and that I'll get an honest opinion from someone I love.

Then, why is it that you torture me so?
Even if it isn't your fault, couldn't you make some kind of a visible effort, or even tell me that you tried? Otherwise, how will I know you care for me? How will I know you want to be here?

Try letting me into your life.
Let me try and help you.
Just...give us a proper chance to be real.

If you fail to do so, I will fail you as well.
NO more trying.
NO more waiting for you to wait for me to initiate events.
NO more.

I'll be finished. Our relationship - over.

Then, maybe one day when you get your head together and at least speak of your efforts will I come back. I can't just throw this all away - there was too much progress (though it may not seem so) for us to give up hope forever.

Oops. There I go again chasing another dream...
It's too late now.
It's already spirited me away to a time when things were simpler...

You once told me..."Life's so boring and lackluster when you're not there..."
All I'm asking of you is to prove that to me one last time.

Flashback

Flashbacks seem to haunt me.
They do me so much damage that sometimes I unfocus myself completely from this world. There's this sidewalk I pass a lot while I'm in the car with my mom, and every time I pass it, I can see myself running down it. Running to catch a bus, and fearing I'll miss it and be forced to stay alone in the dark a bit longer. I shouldn't have needed to take that bus. But because of the negligence of a friend, I was forced to lie and pretend it never happened. When I pass that sidewalk, I still remember that fear...I can almost taste it on my tongue, and the loneliness consumes me once more.

In a certain mall, I experience flashbacks too. There's a fountain there, and when I see it, I can feel myself becoming carefree. Carefree because I'm with friends, but at the same time, I'm in denial. Denial because at that moment, I was not happy. All that filled me was jealousy and anger. It was a situation where I was supposed to feel important, but instead, it left me feeling like nothing; feeling like I no longer existed.

There are times however, when I think about the future. I see myself in parks, on buses, in theaters...and I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could do the things those people are doing?" I have so many hopeless dreams that might not come true, and it's so frightening not knowing if I'll live to see if my faith was worth it.

It's just...really scary when you can't even go to sleep and know you'll wake up the next morning...so scary.

Just because I believe in my hopeless dreams doesn't mean I can trust myself alone. My lonely memories will consume me before I can step into a proper reality once more.

Descending into my Soul

Every night that I can, I MSN my life away. A couple nights ago however, a friend noticed something about me that I hadn't clued into yet myself. Even though he couldn't see me, he said "you seem sad".
I was actually taken aback by that comment. He, who hadn't seen me in months, who couldn't hear my voice or see me at that exact moment could sense my feelings. Even when he could see me on my cam, he told me I seemed sad. When I asked why, he said "You're not smiling as much".
What I think is sad though, is that a person I barely talk to can see more of me than the people I see every day. No one else seems to notice my feelings.

Me, I'm a shadow within my own soul.
My essence isn't known to those around me.
The people I care most about...they always disappear.

It seems that I'm drowning, and only a few can see that. Those who can see, they're special to me. I know I can be myself with them. I can confide in their souls, and them in mine.

Mardi is my name, and I'm an artist of the soul. Save me, before I drown.
I'm following my hopeless dreams, and they're leading me into my mind, consuming my spirit, and leaving me lost; maybe forever.

PS: Dear sanity,
I miss you.