Flashback

Flashbacks seem to haunt me.
They do me so much damage that sometimes I unfocus myself completely from this world. There's this sidewalk I pass a lot while I'm in the car with my mom, and every time I pass it, I can see myself running down it. Running to catch a bus, and fearing I'll miss it and be forced to stay alone in the dark a bit longer. I shouldn't have needed to take that bus. But because of the negligence of a friend, I was forced to lie and pretend it never happened. When I pass that sidewalk, I still remember that fear...I can almost taste it on my tongue, and the loneliness consumes me once more.

In a certain mall, I experience flashbacks too. There's a fountain there, and when I see it, I can feel myself becoming carefree. Carefree because I'm with friends, but at the same time, I'm in denial. Denial because at that moment, I was not happy. All that filled me was jealousy and anger. It was a situation where I was supposed to feel important, but instead, it left me feeling like nothing; feeling like I no longer existed.

There are times however, when I think about the future. I see myself in parks, on buses, in theaters...and I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could do the things those people are doing?" I have so many hopeless dreams that might not come true, and it's so frightening not knowing if I'll live to see if my faith was worth it.

It's just...really scary when you can't even go to sleep and know you'll wake up the next morning...so scary.

Just because I believe in my hopeless dreams doesn't mean I can trust myself alone. My lonely memories will consume me before I can step into a proper reality once more.