Questions Turned to My Own Answers

So many questions...

We're going to grow apart.

My worst fears will come alive
and then I'll realize how pathetic this really is.

Our arguments are tragic. Sobbing and apologies, hating ourselves for making the other feel so bad.
And then this morning, you were being negative again.
Why?

I'm trying to stay positive in the midst of everything but now I feel like I'm looking at the world through someone else's eyes. I'm feeling lost in the city I grew up in. All these friendly people leaving me temporary happiness until I'm left to my own thoughts. Or are they my thoughts....

What makes me so different that I can't set my heart on someone who is physically close to me? No one I've ever really loved has ever been close to me.. and this is the worst yet. A whole different country?! What's wrong with me.
To make matters worse, he doesn't understand how I feel. I'm staying positive for his negativity; trying to keep my head up though the odds are against me.

Just watch.
In the end, she's
not going to leave the
country and he'll
go running
back.

Wow. What a selfish thing to say.
I'm not selfish.
I gave that up with the rebellious me years ago. Looking back, it was the right thing to do.

Catch people when they fall.
Give them a shoulder.
But when I'm lost, who's going to find me?
When I said I'm down...
Yeah. Okay.
I'm not a downer. I don't want to be a downer.
But I can't change who I am.

I don't want any more empty promises because they will never bring me happiness.
I don't want you to go after her with your temper mental heart.
I want you to be happy though -
and maybe happy means without me.

Invisible/TGWN

Invisible.
I'm feeling really invisible.

The trees are zooming by me and the wind is carrying my thoughts elsewhere in the world. The Great White North - what a place to be.
Yesterday was great. What happened?
Why are you isolating yourself from me?
What the hell did I do, if anything?

My head hurts.

Today has been nothing but silence and I'm still wondering why. I tried to make conversation and be the good friend, but this is how it goes I guess. I tried asking what's wrong, but it was the wrong thing to ask.
Well I'll keep my vigil then and try to make good of the last 24 hours I have here.
But it's still not fair.

I want to sleep.

You know, you just shut yourself out from me. It's not right. At this rate... our friendship will collapse. I don't want that, but it will be inevitable if this keeps up.
Just let people in instead of shutting us all out.
Not everyone in the world is out to hurt you and sooner or later, you're going to learn that the hard way.

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The Great White North is a beautiful place. I want to share it with you..
Because... I can picture myself vacationing here with the barren trees and snow; the sunshine and the cold.
I want to share myself with you if only it were possible at this point.
Because... I can picture us walking here. I can picture us.
I just wanted you to know that.
Because... it could be another hopeless dream. God knows.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Frustration - I want a normal life.

Well...
It's been a really long time since I've written anything. I lost my passion.
I've lost...a lot of things.
Became depressed
Upset
Angry.

But I'm trying to start again. I remember there was a point where I refused to cry. Two months without tears. And then finally, something pushed me over and I couldn't hold back. Like now.

When someone tells you you're not putting forth an effort when you didn't work for one fucking little hour, it stings like a hornet and lingers in the back of your mind. Because I'm just going about my life like normal and trying not to think about reality, suddenly I'm not doing shit.
Fine.
So be it.
I'll just sit my ass down and do what you're saying I'm doing which is absolutely nothing.

And then there's you acting like some over-protective possessive boyfriend. I don't need you. I don't need anyone questioning my whereabouts every day when nothing's changed. If you really opened your eyes you would see that nothing has changed. Not a single thing.

Okay. So I moved. Big friggen woop. I've moved about 10 times in the 15 years I've been on this earth. It's nothing new. But one day, I'm going to leave and take control of my life.

I don't need you telling me that I'm some dependent child and I'm inconsiderate of your condition at this time.
It's all I ever think about.
How can I help. How can I do my part.
"Hey do you need something?"
I'M TRYING.

So don't go telling me otherwise. Just don't.
Go ahead and hit me and see where I go. Obviously I'll just leave you. And then what will you do when this inconsiderate dependent child disappears?
I won't come back anytime soon.
Go send me to live with my dad's. I.Do.Not.Care.
Because then I'd do what I did almost every night there and cry. And be frustrated with what's going on. And be frustrated that I can't just have a NORMAL life.
I just want to have a normal life!

So. I just got real internet back.
So. I'm now neighbours with one of my closest friends.
So. I'm trying to get in shape because I think I'm finally on stable ground.

I'm really trying.
Don't tell me I'm not.
Because the day you tell me that I can do better.. and that day will come soon at this rate.. you're going to end up in the hospital again and I'm not going to be there to check in on you.
I won't bother.

Yeah so what if I'm mad.
I have my rights.
Just leave me be and stop talking.
Then and only then will you see what I'm actually capable of.