Try and Show Me

Why is it, that I'm so dependent on you?
How is it that you affect me so much more than I realized?
What is it about you that keeps me sane?

Hopeless. That's what I am.
Somehow, without you here, I'm irritable, grumpy, sad, moody...all the bad emotions you can think of. It's almost like, with you there, I can face life- I can live day to day knowing that I can vent all I want to someone without being judged, and that I'll get an honest opinion from someone I love.

Then, why is it that you torture me so?
Even if it isn't your fault, couldn't you make some kind of a visible effort, or even tell me that you tried? Otherwise, how will I know you care for me? How will I know you want to be here?

Try letting me into your life.
Let me try and help you.
Just...give us a proper chance to be real.

If you fail to do so, I will fail you as well.
NO more trying.
NO more waiting for you to wait for me to initiate events.
NO more.

I'll be finished. Our relationship - over.

Then, maybe one day when you get your head together and at least speak of your efforts will I come back. I can't just throw this all away - there was too much progress (though it may not seem so) for us to give up hope forever.

Oops. There I go again chasing another dream...
It's too late now.
It's already spirited me away to a time when things were simpler...

You once told me..."Life's so boring and lackluster when you're not there..."
All I'm asking of you is to prove that to me one last time.

Flashback

Flashbacks seem to haunt me.
They do me so much damage that sometimes I unfocus myself completely from this world. There's this sidewalk I pass a lot while I'm in the car with my mom, and every time I pass it, I can see myself running down it. Running to catch a bus, and fearing I'll miss it and be forced to stay alone in the dark a bit longer. I shouldn't have needed to take that bus. But because of the negligence of a friend, I was forced to lie and pretend it never happened. When I pass that sidewalk, I still remember that fear...I can almost taste it on my tongue, and the loneliness consumes me once more.

In a certain mall, I experience flashbacks too. There's a fountain there, and when I see it, I can feel myself becoming carefree. Carefree because I'm with friends, but at the same time, I'm in denial. Denial because at that moment, I was not happy. All that filled me was jealousy and anger. It was a situation where I was supposed to feel important, but instead, it left me feeling like nothing; feeling like I no longer existed.

There are times however, when I think about the future. I see myself in parks, on buses, in theaters...and I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could do the things those people are doing?" I have so many hopeless dreams that might not come true, and it's so frightening not knowing if I'll live to see if my faith was worth it.

It's just...really scary when you can't even go to sleep and know you'll wake up the next morning...so scary.

Just because I believe in my hopeless dreams doesn't mean I can trust myself alone. My lonely memories will consume me before I can step into a proper reality once more.

Descending into my Soul

Every night that I can, I MSN my life away. A couple nights ago however, a friend noticed something about me that I hadn't clued into yet myself. Even though he couldn't see me, he said "you seem sad".
I was actually taken aback by that comment. He, who hadn't seen me in months, who couldn't hear my voice or see me at that exact moment could sense my feelings. Even when he could see me on my cam, he told me I seemed sad. When I asked why, he said "You're not smiling as much".
What I think is sad though, is that a person I barely talk to can see more of me than the people I see every day. No one else seems to notice my feelings.

Me, I'm a shadow within my own soul.
My essence isn't known to those around me.
The people I care most about...they always disappear.

It seems that I'm drowning, and only a few can see that. Those who can see, they're special to me. I know I can be myself with them. I can confide in their souls, and them in mine.

Mardi is my name, and I'm an artist of the soul. Save me, before I drown.
I'm following my hopeless dreams, and they're leading me into my mind, consuming my spirit, and leaving me lost; maybe forever.

PS: Dear sanity,
I miss you.