Hopeless Dreams Spirited Me Away

Questions Turned to My Own Answers

2010-04-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

So many questions...

We're going to grow apart.

My worst fears will come alive
and then I'll realize how pathetic this really is.

Our arguments are tragic. Sobbing and apologies, hating ourselves for making the other feel so bad.
And then this morning, you were being negative again.
Why?

I'm trying to stay positive in the midst of everything but now I feel like I'm looking at the world through someone else's eyes. I'm feeling lost in the city I grew up in. All these friendly people leaving me temporary happiness until I'm left to my own thoughts. Or are they my thoughts....

What makes me so different that I can't set my heart on someone who is physically close to me? No one I've ever really loved has ever been close to me.. and this is the worst yet. A whole different country?! What's wrong with me.
To make matters worse, he doesn't understand how I feel. I'm staying positive for his negativity; trying to keep my head up though the odds are against me.

Just watch.
In the end, she's
not going to leave the
country and he'll
go running
back.

Wow. What a selfish thing to say.
I'm not selfish.
I gave that up with the rebellious me years ago. Looking back, it was the right thing to do.

Catch people when they fall.
Give them a shoulder.
But when I'm lost, who's going to find me?
When I said I'm down...
Yeah. Okay.
I'm not a downer. I don't want to be a downer.
But I can't change who I am.

I don't want any more empty promises because they will never bring me happiness.
I don't want you to go after her with your temper mental heart.
I want you to be happy though -
and maybe happy means without me.

Invisible/TGWN

2010-03-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

Invisible.
I'm feeling really invisible.

The trees are zooming by me and the wind is carrying my thoughts elsewhere in the world. The Great White North - what a place to be.
Yesterday was great. What happened?
Why are you isolating yourself from me?
What the hell did I do, if anything?

My head hurts.

Today has been nothing but silence and I'm still wondering why. I tried to make conversation and be the good friend, but this is how it goes I guess. I tried asking what's wrong, but it was the wrong thing to ask.
Well I'll keep my vigil then and try to make good of the last 24 hours I have here.
But it's still not fair.

I want to sleep.

You know, you just shut yourself out from me. It's not right. At this rate... our friendship will collapse. I don't want that, but it will be inevitable if this keeps up.
Just let people in instead of shutting us all out.
Not everyone in the world is out to hurt you and sooner or later, you're going to learn that the hard way.

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The Great White North is a beautiful place. I want to share it with you..
Because... I can picture myself vacationing here with the barren trees and snow; the sunshine and the cold.
I want to share myself with you if only it were possible at this point.
Because... I can picture us walking here. I can picture us.
I just wanted you to know that.
Because... it could be another hopeless dream. God knows.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Frustration - I want a normal life.

2010-03-11T15:31:00.001-08:00

Well...
It's been a really long time since I've written anything. I lost my passion.
I've lost...a lot of things.
Became depressed
Upset
Angry.

But I'm trying to start again. I remember there was a point where I refused to cry. Two months without tears. And then finally, something pushed me over and I couldn't hold back. Like now.

When someone tells you you're not putting forth an effort when you didn't work for one fucking little hour, it stings like a hornet and lingers in the back of your mind. Because I'm just going about my life like normal and trying not to think about reality, suddenly I'm not doing shit.
Fine.
So be it.
I'll just sit my ass down and do what you're saying I'm doing which is absolutely nothing.

And then there's you acting like some over-protective possessive boyfriend. I don't need you. I don't need anyone questioning my whereabouts every day when nothing's changed. If you really opened your eyes you would see that nothing has changed. Not a single thing.

Okay. So I moved. Big friggen woop. I've moved about 10 times in the 15 years I've been on this earth. It's nothing new. But one day, I'm going to leave and take control of my life.

I don't need you telling me that I'm some dependent child and I'm inconsiderate of your condition at this time.
It's all I ever think about.
How can I help. How can I do my part.
"Hey do you need something?"
I'M TRYING.

So don't go telling me otherwise. Just don't.
Go ahead and hit me and see where I go. Obviously I'll just leave you. And then what will you do when this inconsiderate dependent child disappears?
I won't come back anytime soon.
Go send me to live with my dad's. I.Do.Not.Care.
Because then I'd do what I did almost every night there and cry. And be frustrated with what's going on. And be frustrated that I can't just have a NORMAL life.
I just want to have a normal life!

So. I just got real internet back.
So. I'm now neighbours with one of my closest friends.
So. I'm trying to get in shape because I think I'm finally on stable ground.

I'm really trying.
Don't tell me I'm not.
Because the day you tell me that I can do better.. and that day will come soon at this rate.. you're going to end up in the hospital again and I'm not going to be there to check in on you.
I won't bother.

Yeah so what if I'm mad.
I have my rights.
Just leave me be and stop talking.
Then and only then will you see what I'm actually capable of.

Second Guessing

2009-09-01T21:48:00.001-07:00

What is God trying to tell me?

Right now, I'm living my life as simple as I can, yet still I feel the complexity lurking in the dark. I just want to be a normal, carefree teenager...well, maybe not normal, but carefree at the least.
Only a week more until I finally know if I'm going to stay or go. When school starts, I just want to know where I am, and where I'm going. Everything else will come in time.

But until yesterday, I was sure I knew where I was going. Then, when I came back from my trip, my mother told me that we would be moving within 4 weeks. Alright, fine; whatever. But from there, there could be another pending move for October. The location is what opened my eyes.

I thought I could just leave him. I thought I knew this was the right thing to do, but now I'm second guessing myself again. The location of the pending move is 2 intersections away from him. It's close enough that he has no excuse, and it's close enough for weekly visits. Yet, somehow, I still feel that I'm missing something important.

All of these second guesses are getting me down again even though I've been up almost all summer. The question remains : Should I stay or should I go?
A lot of me wants to just leave, start fresh. But the lurking darkness in my heart is telling me I'm going to regret it.
Who do I believe?
My mind or my heart?

Escape from Reality

2009-08-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched again.
Because...none of them DID hatch, they all died.
Well, I guess that's to an extreme. I mean, I still have a job and I still write...kinda.

My job is the biggest distraction to my mind. I have no will to write right now, I'm just zoned into the books taking me away from reality. Re-discovering the library is one of the best and worst things to happen.
Books keep me away from my mind, but at the same time bring me closer to my deepest wants and needs. I guess as a fellow author, I know the pull of a false reality and what it can do for those reading the material.
We're all just trying to get away from our lives.

Anyways. My paycheck is just about used up. Lucky for me, there's another one is a couple days. "Less stress from money" was a lost dream too.
My hopeless dream really is hopeless.

As for him, well, until I move, there is no him. The toll it's taking on my mental and emotional health isn't very good. Constantly being caught between guilt and understanding is one of the most lethal mixes to bestow anyone. They just don't go together.
Well, we'll see where it goes from here.

My thoughts are unfocusing themselves again, and I feel the need to be lost again to a book...s'ashame I already read the ones I got from the library...all 5 of them this week.... -sigh-

Well here's my next dream, what I really want all morphed into one. Maybe this could save me from myself and allow me to escape once more from reality. Just a poem I found... "To Every Guy". It's just one of those corny things you can't help identifying with. The things I wish he would let me know sometimes...just to show he cares...
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To every guy that regrets hurting her.To every guy who knows which girl he wants.To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."To every guy that was never too busy to take the bus across town to see her. To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.To every guy who has given her flowers just because.To every guy that said he would die for her.To every guy that really would.To every guy that did what she wanted to do.To every guy that cried in front of her.To every guy that she cried in front of.To every guy that holds hands with her.To every guy that kisses her with meaning.To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.To every guy who would give their jacket up.To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.To every guy that would give his seat up.To every guy that just wants to cuddle.To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.To every guy who told his secrets to her.To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.To every guy that believed in her dreams.To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.To every guy that walked her to her car.To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.To every guy that actually listened. To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.To every guy that prays she is happy even if your not with her.

Thanks...

My Way

2009-07-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

Things are finally going my way.
In one night, a 360 was made of my life.
Suddenly, I'm back in the game; I'm back in control.

My writing is taking a toll on my life in a positive way.
I have a job that is bringing only good things my way.
Even though my friends are moving, we'll stay in touch
We'll go see movies when we can.

A new home - maybe.
A new life - hopefully.
Less stress coming money...
More fun with my friends :)

Maybe a basement to myself?
Some money to top it off too?
Man oh man...
Maybe I'll even get to see him!

I'm probably speaking too soon for all of these events.
Nothing is secured yet.
But it's still amazing
that my hopeless dream came true!

Try and Show Me

2009-06-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Why is it, that I'm so dependent on you?
How is it that you affect me so much more than I realized?
What is it about you that keeps me sane?

Hopeless. That's what I am.
Somehow, without you here, I'm irritable, grumpy, sad, moody...all the bad emotions you can think of. It's almost like, with you there, I can face life- I can live day to day knowing that I can vent all I want to someone without being judged, and that I'll get an honest opinion from someone I love.

Then, why is it that you torture me so?
Even if it isn't your fault, couldn't you make some kind of a visible effort, or even tell me that you tried? Otherwise, how will I know you care for me? How will I know you want to be here?

Try letting me into your life.
Let me try and help you.
Just...give us a proper chance to be real.

If you fail to do so, I will fail you as well.
NO more trying.
NO more waiting for you to wait for me to initiate events.
NO more.

I'll be finished. Our relationship - over.

Then, maybe one day when you get your head together and at least speak of your efforts will I come back. I can't just throw this all away - there was too much progress (though it may not seem so) for us to give up hope forever.

Oops. There I go again chasing another dream...
It's too late now.
It's already spirited me away to a time when things were simpler...

You once told me..."Life's so boring and lackluster when you're not there..."
All I'm asking of you is to prove that to me one last time.

Flashback

2009-06-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

Flashbacks seem to haunt me.
They do me so much damage that sometimes I unfocus myself completely from this world. There's this sidewalk I pass a lot while I'm in the car with my mom, and every time I pass it, I can see myself running down it. Running to catch a bus, and fearing I'll miss it and be forced to stay alone in the dark a bit longer. I shouldn't have needed to take that bus. But because of the negligence of a friend, I was forced to lie and pretend it never happened. When I pass that sidewalk, I still remember that fear...I can almost taste it on my tongue, and the loneliness consumes me once more.

In a certain mall, I experience flashbacks too. There's a fountain there, and when I see it, I can feel myself becoming carefree. Carefree because I'm with friends, but at the same time, I'm in denial. Denial because at that moment, I was not happy. All that filled me was jealousy and anger. It was a situation where I was supposed to feel important, but instead, it left me feeling like nothing; feeling like I no longer existed.

There are times however, when I think about the future. I see myself in parks, on buses, in theaters...and I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could do the things those people are doing?" I have so many hopeless dreams that might not come true, and it's so frightening not knowing if I'll live to see if my faith was worth it.

It's just...really scary when you can't even go to sleep and know you'll wake up the next morning...so scary.

Just because I believe in my hopeless dreams doesn't mean I can trust myself alone. My lonely memories will consume me before I can step into a proper reality once more.

Descending into my Soul

2009-06-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Every night that I can, I MSN my life away. A couple nights ago however, a friend noticed something about me that I hadn't clued into yet myself. Even though he couldn't see me, he said "you seem sad".
I was actually taken aback by that comment. He, who hadn't seen me in months, who couldn't hear my voice or see me at that exact moment could sense my feelings. Even when he could see me on my cam, he told me I seemed sad. When I asked why, he said "You're not smiling as much".
What I think is sad though, is that a person I barely talk to can see more of me than the people I see every day. No one else seems to notice my feelings.

Me, I'm a shadow within my own soul.
My essence isn't known to those around me.
The people I care most about...they always disappear.

It seems that I'm drowning, and only a few can see that. Those who can see, they're special to me. I know I can be myself with them. I can confide in their souls, and them in mine.

Mardi is my name, and I'm an artist of the soul. Save me, before I drown.
I'm following my hopeless dreams, and they're leading me into my mind, consuming my spirit, and leaving me lost; maybe forever.

PS: Dear sanity,
I miss you.